Dios me lo dio, Dios me lo quito, bendito sea Dios!

Miguel,
I wanna talk to you, I wanna see you because our final goodbye was you looking back and with those stupid two fingers you said, "Peace out." No hug. No serious goodbye which you know, shows how fast these kinds of things sort of just happed, it's a blessing. Not a tragedy like everyone else in the world thinks. Especially since I know how great a guy you were, you didn't die in vain. I donn't know however what your intentions were going to sliderock with vanessa or what you were already doing or what your last thoughts were, but I hope it was all good. I pray you had even a moment to repent for your sins and pray with my everything that you are in heaven with your true father right now, which I don't doubt. I honestly still can't believe it happened, like it still hasn't fully entered my system that you're gone and that i'll never see, or speak to you ever again. that i will never playfully push you away like we used to do to eachother.Just the kind of thing I never expected to happen so close to me, but then again who does expect it, right? It's not a movie. It's real and it's gonna hurt bad when i finally open my eyes to reality. It's too late to actually say this, but i love you. I did. Like Naz, your aunt, my bestfriend, is more like a cousin to me, well so were you. You wore yellow to yourr last eucharist at Blessed Sacrament. My favorite color :) At least all the brothers from the communities saw you one last time recent to your death. On your last celebration we took a community picture. I wish I would have stood by your side, but the presumida that i am had me front and center. ha! i love that you got to say goodbye to Judy before she left to Mexico. And i'm over here thinking we were so lucky to have known her and had her as our Responsible, but the truth is, me and her are so lucky to having known you. there's a reason to everything and the fact that you were born premature and didn't die then wasn't just coinsidence, but because the Lord knew i needed you to be a part of my life. For what?...I say i'm still not sure yet, but maybe i fear the truth (like always). Anyway, that night i told you i loved you, jokingly. you said, "I know" back as if you really did know it. Then you drove off in that shitty ass truck of yours with your bro Luis cuz that night, everything was normal.
I heard the Pink song today that goes, :I forgot to say aloud, how beautiful you really are. and i can't live without...you're my perfect little punching bag and i need you. I'm sorry." and it reminds me of how i could never tell you how i thought you were cute sometimes. I could tell Luis, but not you cuz i felt it'd be awkward since we had a crush on each other on the pilgrimage WYD 2005 to Germany. And actually before hearing about the accident, i was talking about how skinny you were, but that it was cool cuz it was all muscle and that you had like zero body fat. ha i liked that. You never did try on skinny jeans and i always wanted to see that cuz i think they'd fit right, but it's ok. I probably would have just laughed and made fun of you anyway. So that song not only spoke of how i couldn't talk about your semi good looks, but how you were the perfect little punching bag cuz that's what you were. We'd always mess around. Who am i gonna shove now whenever i want and have them shove me back like you did, but without hurting me? and the thing i'm gonna miss most...YOUR EYES! cuz i'm a sucker for pretty eyes and you had them. i would tell you enough so you knew. You'd always say you'd trade them for my green eyes, but I never gave them to you and i don't mean literally, but not even messing around. i want you tohave them now. I want to see what you see. To think your pretty eyes will never look at me again. Will never be ther staring at my myspace or facebook page. That was pretty sweet of you to sit next to anyone who was on the computer. not only cuz you wanted a turn or cuz you were being nosy, but cuz you were the best at keeping company and truly cared to interact with all of us, showing that you didn't only come over for my brother moncho. Inever hugged you as much as I do Luis, so I wont miss that as much. Won't miss you poking my stomach (friggin hated that), pushing me, giving me a dead arm, or accidentally punching me in the face, but I will miss you pinching my cheek. only a few times te pasastes and hurt my face, but other that that I loved it. And i say it again and again cuz i seriously can't get it to stick...still can't believe you're gone! i can't! And i still wanna see you!! but forreal...i will again though, right?! one day, one day.
Ay, ay boy...let me get yo diggets cuz I wanna call ya. I think about you everyday. Literally, no lie and no exaggeration. Exactly two weeks after you died i cried my self to sleep everynight. Exactly one month after, i thought of you constantly and then it almost completely stopped on July 19th when the Tamayo sisters, Vanessa and Diana, came to Cali with us. then about two weeks passed and i talked to Naz about you and her crisis on the ride home after palabra. It was just the two of us. I ask that you pray for the both of us. We really need your help to reach God for us. To get his blessing, to see his graces because as hard as I try to accept that you're no longer here, I doubt. Maybe it's the devil trying to cheat and confuse me, but it's difficult to believe that i'm truly happy for you if i'm crying every single day, and it's more than once a day at times. Any time I'm alone and even you know it's often. Folding clothes, doing homework, taking a shower or while playing the guitar. Even by just listening to salmos. Ever single thing reminds me of you!! Music, movies, art, people (strangers and the known), your family, pictures, certain events you were a part of, friggin cars, and it's crazy cuz even myself. EVERYTHING!
Just recently on Friday, August 20th, we celebrated Bea's 21st birthday here at ou house. People came over, your fam and baby cow's fam too. Drama Broke out. Cow couldn't stop crying for you. She feels really bad. Help her too Miguel...help her dear God. We all reminded her about you. I talked to Jose, your uncle and my best friends bro, and he told me how you really had a thing for me just before you died. Not just a thing though, but that you really liked me. Apparently Naz and Luis knew about it as well. How come you never told me?? and it took them this long to tell me. Surprisingly too that Joe had to tell me and not Naz. Wow, so she can keep secrets, huh. Although I recently discovered that she really doesn't tell me everything like I tell her. But that's another blog :D But knowing that, constantly makes me feel horrible. I honestly haven't made out why. I know that I didn't like you like that, so it's not that it would have made a difference if you told me or anything. We woulodn't have become boyfriend or girlfriend, and gone out and prevented this, but in a way I think...well you seemed so true, maybe I could have liked you one day. Maybe not, but now i'll never know, and that's ok. I feel like my strict idea on not letting myself like a guy or letting my feelings grow for a guy i'm crushing on until i'm done with school pushed you away. I can't believe you still liked me after so many years, but I shouldn't be so surprised, since you're not the only guys that's done that. However, I was surprised to know you're the only guy from the communities and Miguel? a one girl kinda guy? really?...and me?...no way! :P i'm flattered ha. I guess you can say I still had the tiniest crush on you too. If there was any guy I wanted to impress here in Arizona from the way, by dressing up, putting on make up, looking cute for eucharist, and trying hard to sing nice in community, it would be you, always. I mean, yeah you were short, being only an inch taller that me...another one of your flaws :P but the only guy to give me reason to like. So skinnier than me, and too short for me to wear heels comfortably, can't believe that also held me back. wow. So you had an orange beard, ya friggin leperchaun! You'd never wanna smile with your teeth showing, why? You had thisck ass eyebrows and chicken pox scars everywhere. But that's what made you my Miguel. I could never get enough of Naz trying to pinch your "noonoddle" (mole) off your head and you. And you dancing around like a G', singing to me horribly and asking for my number that apparently the whole time was forreal when you'd talk to me spitting game. I loved it cuz it was funny, but I wish I would have taken some of it seriously. And cought you secretly crushing on me and talk about our true feelings, but i guess it's best cuz i'm a usually a heartbreaker :( It's probably best because your death would have happened anyway and if we were to have had a stronger bond I probably would have taken it worse. 
to be continued...

World Youth Day

World Youth Day (WYD), the highlight of evrey third year, is highly anticipated and carefully prepared for by the Catholic Church. In 1984, the first World Youth day was declared by Pope John Paul II in recognition of the growing youth in the church. Every three years, youth from about 200 different countries around the world, embark on a pilgrimage which usually lasts about two weeks, and later meet in the host country to see the Pope. A pilgrimage is a long religious journey to a sacred place and missions such as these have been around since the beginning of Christianity. Each pilgrimage has a different theme, and the Pope, in this case Pope Benedict XVI (upper right), speaks to the Youth with a new message that hopefully we apply ourselves to daily and to our lives as a whole. Having attended the 2005 and 2008 pilgrimages, helps to know what to expect of  myself, the meet, and to prepare for it wisely. You can either make this trip the most miserable time of your life or the best moment in time.

“…and the next World Youth Day 2008 will be in…Sydney, Australia.” As the actual event with the Pope comes to a close and the youth’s great excitement of being together at a new place calms, the location of the next WYD is announced. These were the words I heard in Koln, Germany in 2005 (on right). For three years after I worked hard to prepare for WYD 2008 in Sydney.

To pay the cost of the trip is not always easy. Not everybody could pull $3,000 out of their bank account overnight. Therefore, it is crucial to begin fundraising, leaving enough time to raise money without completely stressing over it because after all, it is God who provides. Food Sales, Car washes, selling candy at school, are some ways I collected the money needed to travel to Australia for two weeks. With a four day stop in Hawaii in the middle of the summer before my senior year in highschool, I truly felt it was God's little graduation gift to me.

In July 2008 I was not eighteen yet, but I was close and there is definitely an advantage to being older on the pilgrimage. Although the number cannot be changed, a person's mentality and actions can. More privileges are granted to those that reflect responsibility, and a sense of freedom is given.   However, if chaperones do not keep such a close watch or tight grip, it is easy to take advantage and screw up. I can say that making wrong decisions on the trip happen, but fortunately, this is the kind of event that teaches us to accept that we will make mistakes because we are human, but also know that God loves us and forgives us either way and will help us do the right thing next time if we just depend on him.
Going with the right attitude helps one truly enter into the celebration and participate. Without submissiveness, it is easy to rebel and disobey authority. A major mistake younger teen’s, and sadly some older individuals, make is having an immature view, thinking they are too “cool” to join prayer, obedience, or other things there are to participate in. No one is forced to go on the trip, and there are always the few that feel that way, but the realization as to why God has them there has always resulted in returning home with such joy and thanks.

Around 300,000 attended in WYD 2008 in Sydney (on left), and all the youth share pride for their own countries. However little by little we are reminded that we are all the same under God and we learn to share. We truly learn to get out of  our comfort zone without actually being uncomfortable. And all open up to share life experiences, space and other needs a neighbor might have. 
But no matter how much you prepare for the trip, don't make your own plans or set high expectations because things may not go as you wish. I have realized that when things did not go my way is when I began to murmur and isolate myself. But because planning is in my nature, I plan to do the will of God and trust things will go great.

So whether it is four days without showering, waking up to a soaking wet sleeping bag, or losing your suitcase, don't worry you wont die, I know I haven't, and no it's not the end of the world, it's World Youth Day. It never fails to transmit exactly what is needed in the precise moment. They only get better as they go.